Christian Polanco

My acting debut! This is a pilot to a comedy series my friend Alison Wong is producing. Check it out!

NEW YORK,NY – Local Lower East Side homeless man, Arthur Kropff, better known as “Charlie” by the residents in the neighborhood, is picketing outside the 2nd Ave Train station on the F line. He is boycotting the MTA because he feels that the living conditions in the subway are inhumane. “Some nights I can’t even sleep ’cause the rats are gnawing at my face. No one should live like this,” says Arthur.

This issue has riled up the Lower East side residents. LES resident Anabel Sanchez says, “I can’t believe the MTA can treat human beings like this. I know exactly how Charlie feels, I can barely get my landlord to turn my damn heat on.”

We contacted the MTA offices, but were given no comment regarding the matter. MTA employee James Moore, who works at the 2nd ave train station, commented, “This guy is getting very annoying. My job is pretty quiet. I don’t have to do much. Just sit here and catch up on my seasons of The Wire while the Metrocard machine replaces me. But instead I got this homeless dude complaining and gettin’ news folk down here asking me questions.”

Arthur has a gripe with the MTA, saying “They should treat their tenants with respect and decency.” Kropff has threatened to cross the river in to New Jersey and move in to a NJ Transit subway station, but he hopes things can be resolved soon so that he does not have to, “be super homeless due to living in that state.”

- Christian Polanco

WASHINGTON,DC – Today, President Barack Obama became the first president to sign a sneaker deal. President Obama is collaborating with sneaker giant Nike, to develop a shoe that will capture his essence of hope and change, in a size 12. “President Obama is very excited and can’t wait till his shoe drops,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

The shoe will be released in the fall of this year. No specs of the sneaker have been shown to the press, although, it has been revealed that these shoes will be fitted with the latest in sneaker technology. “Basketball will never be the same” said Nike shoe designer Anthony Wu. The “Air Obama,” as it is being tentatively named; will have a breakthrough midsole that will allow wearers to dramatically absorb heel impact when landing, run faster down the court, and effectively repair the racial divide in America.

It has been confirmed that these sneakers will be very limited. Only 100 pairs will be made and distributed across the country. Nike representative, Amy Goldmeyer was quoted saying, “These sneakers will be as rare as having a Black man get elected as President of The United States.”

There’s a subject I would like to bring that I don’t think gets discussed enough. That is masturbating in public. I wanted to tell you my encounter with this interesting practice.

I was on the train on my way home from work. And I’m sitting on the last aisle seat which faces the door. There happens to be a very attractive brunette next to me. The train arrives in times square. There is a middle-aged black guy on the platform but he does not board the train. He was wearing a purple valour FUBU sweatsuit. Where he got a fubu sweatsuit, I have no idea and why he’s still rocking it after 1998 is beyond me. As soon as he sees the woman next to me, he lowers his sweatpants and starts masturbating for her. How generous of him, right?

But I was the lucky guy who to get to see the whole show. Yay!

I was obviously horrified and I immediately started telling people my story, because it’s clearly hilarious. And I was quite shocked that nearly all the women I told about this had a story of their own. Seriously, there aren’t many women who haven’t had a creepy stranger expose himself to them in public. What I find interesting about this is that most of them are so desensitized to it because it happens so frequently. The girls even trade stories with each other, which include wonderful details like a guy pulling his dick out in an elevator or the time a guy ejaculated on a girl’s leg on a public bus. Ahhh, such protein filled tragedies.

Yikes! You win honey. I can’t compete with that. My story is not nearly as cool.

I am so sorry ladies. I have to apologize for the male species. But it’s time to get revenge and start doing it to us. Pull a breast out while on line at the DMV. That’ll teach us!

Does this count as TV credit? I’m not sure. But i had a great time hanging out with some comedians while we waited on line, in the rain, for a chance at a Comic Strip Live Audition. My audition will be on June 16th. Hopefully I don’t screw up like I did in the video. Cheers!