A Twitter employee has reported that at any given time, nearly 3% off all Twitter traffic is Justin Bieber related. Wow, that’s a whole lot of people calling someone a lesbian at once.

New study says Facebook and studying don’t mix. It instead found that facebook was more efficient for masturbating to pictures of girls in your class.

The US is will now be charging a “tourist tax” so anyone entering the country will now have to pay $14. Finally, a good plan to stop the illegal immigration.

Since Craigslist’s “Adult Services” was closed, people are now offering their services on the “Casual Encounters” section. Finally! A place where I can casually pay for sex.

A new study says that the decline of smokers has stalled with 1 in 5 people who smoke. Cigarette companies’ new marketing slogan, “4 out 5 People Are Homos.”

It’s been announced that Betty White will be releasing her own comic book. Her super power will be pinching the cheeks of grandchildren.

Media are criticizing an Iraqi reality TV show that pranks celebrities by planting fake bombs in their cars. For sweeps week, they are going to execute a celebrity’s first born, just to see that priceless look on their face.

A man spent $18,000 to create a sex doll in his ex-girlfriend’s image. He promptly returned it when she still wasn’t capable of doing anal.

Kanye West has finally publicly apologized to Taylor Swift. People don’t find it very sincere since his apology was autotuned.

It’s been reported that Michael Lohan wants to open a “faith-based” drug rehab facility. Michael Lohan doesn’t know how to pick out his daughter’s christmas gifts.

A teenager in Montana got in trouble after accidentally texting the sheriff of his town to buy weed. This just shows why drug dealers should not be named Shareef.

Rapper T.I. was arrested last night when ecstasy and meth were found in his car. At least T.I. is no longer homesick.

Apple has released a new iPod Touch. It’s very similar to the iPhone in that it cannot make phone calls.

A Texas court has ruled that gay couples cannot divorce in their state. Texas will not acknowledge gay couples because they feel traditional marriage is between one man and one redneck.

A new study says that more and more toddlers are being prescribed anti-psychotics. My spankings don’t seem so bad now.

Paris Hilton is claiming the cocaine she was charged for possessing, wasn’t hers because the bag it was found in was “too cheap to be hers.” Hilton feels she is innocent in all of this, on the grounds that she’s an asshole.

A new poll says that 63% of Americans have no clue who Emily Post is. Who the fuck is Emily Post?

Justin Bieber said that he would like to star in the remake of Grease. Ever since this announcement, he has received very threatening voicemails from Danny Zuko.

A new study says that the rise in C-Section birth is due to impatient doctors. Doctors feel that women should just stop giving birth when House is on.

Lady Gaga has announced she will be bringing her tour to Mexico. Gaga added tour dates in Mexico to get closer to her coke dealer.

It’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston will be topless in her next film. The media believes this is just a publicity stunt to try and get Brad’s attention.

Chad Ocho Cinco has been given a $25k fine for tweeting during a game. It’s no surprise that even a Bengal can’t sit through a Bengals game.

A new study found that 1 in 4 strippers are college graduates. The study also found that 4 out of 4 strippers has never taken a “self-esteem” class.

Paris Hilton has been arrested again;  for possession of cocaine. Her jail cell was just the way she left it.

In a recent interview, Lady Gaga said drugs inspired her to make great records. Paris Hilton commented and said, cocaine inspired her criminal record.

Despite rumors, American Idol producers claim they have never used autotune for any performance. They swear the singers sound that awful on their own.

Bristol Palin has agreed to be on the next season of Dancing With The Stars. People in the media have chalked this up as just another publicity stunt to try and lose her baby weight.

A recent poll says that 8% of Americans drive drunk. Another poll also said that 100% percent of Mel Gibson drives racist.

A woman in India was arrested for attempting to smuggle a tiger cub in her check-in luggage. How is Tiger Woods going to deal with his depression now?

North Korea released a Boston man who was held captive since January. Once freed, he only asked, “How are the Sawx?”

A judge says Chris Brown is doing a “great job” with his probation. Chris is excited because he gets a gold star for each year he doesn’t smack his bitch up.

Heidi Montag wants a breast reduction because she feels her G-Cup implants were “a mistake.” Which is coincidentally the same thing Heidi’s parents say about their daughter.

A Seattle bride was arrested for drunk driving on her wedding day. She said she didn’t understand why it was a big deal because she always “pre-games” before weddings.

Tiger Woods’ Ex-Wife Elin said in an interview, “I never suspected any affairs.” Tiger responded by saying, “I never suspected she could be so stupid.”

Lindsay Lohan has been released from rehab after 22 days of a 90-day sentence. 22 days is now the record for how long anyone can tolerate Linsday Lohan.

Barbara Walters is looking to create a “The View” spin-off with men. It will be very similar to the original View except it will include logic.

Tiger Woods’ divorce has officially been finalized. Tiger is very disappointed because now, sleeping with whores won’t be nearly as exciting.

The DEA is looking for ebonics experts to translate Atlanta drug traffickers’ wire taps. They have already extended a generous offer to Dr.Laura.

Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella retired today after a 46 year career in baseball. Piniella retired because he wanted to spend more time yelling at his family.

Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” is slated to earn $5 million this year. His abs will be earning $13 million.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will also be joining the cast of “Dancing With The Stars” next season. He will be dancing in the style of  ”Fist Pump Cha-Cha.”

Former pitcher Roger Clemens is facing two years in prison for allegedly lying to congress about steroid use. Clemens is fearful of going to prison because he has never played catcher.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has signed on to be the newest judge on American Idol. He’s promised to give positive reviews to any contestant who isn’t weirded out by his creepy face.

Spencer Pratt is writing a tell-all book about Heidi Montag. He will reveal everything about Heidi; pre-op and post-op.

Wall Street Journal reporter say,s Local strippers are totally ok with mosque near WTC. That must have been a fun interview.

BP has discovered a new oil well in the Gulf. Stay tuned for the new summer blockbuster, “BP Oil Spill: The Sequel.”

Betty White recently landed a 2-book deal. One book will be a memoir about what comedy was like in the 1800′s.

In Moscow, they are banning the sale of alcohol after 10pm. Due to the law, Russian citizens have now decided to escape from their problems while at work.

Lindsay Lohan is set to make her $1M off her first post-rehab interview. People are not impressed because this is an old strategy called “Winehousing” your career.

After 7 years, the last combat troops have finally left Iraq. Americans are happy, but it turns out one Marine forgot his cell phone so they will be sending 2 million troops to retrieve it.

Comedians in Brazil are protesting a law that bans mocking any politician before an election. In other news, George W. Bush has decided to run for president of Brazil.

A new study says that taking birth control makes you smarter. The study also found that pushing a woman down a staircase is the best way to earn her doctorate.