Christian Polanco

Despite rumors, American Idol producers claim they have never used autotune for any performance. They swear the singers sound that awful on their own.

Bristol Palin has agreed to be on the next season of Dancing With The Stars. People in the media have chalked this up as just another publicity stunt to try and lose her baby weight.

A recent poll says that 8% of Americans drive drunk. Another poll also said that 100% percent of Mel Gibson drives racist.

A woman in India was arrested for attempting to smuggle a tiger cub in her check-in luggage. How is Tiger Woods going to deal with his depression now?

North Korea released a Boston man who was held captive since January. Once freed, he only asked, “How are the Sawx?”

A judge says Chris Brown is doing a “great job” with his probation. Chris is excited because he gets a gold star for each year he doesn’t smack his bitch up.

Heidi Montag wants a breast reduction because she feels her G-Cup implants were “a mistake.” Which is coincidentally the same thing Heidi’s parents say about their daughter.

A Seattle bride was arrested for drunk driving on her wedding day. She said she didn’t understand why it was a big deal because she always “pre-games” before weddings.

Tiger Woods’ Ex-Wife Elin said in an interview, “I never suspected any affairs.” Tiger responded by saying, “I never suspected she could be so stupid.”

Lindsay Lohan has been released from rehab after 22 days of a 90-day sentence. 22 days is now the record for how long anyone can tolerate Linsday Lohan.

Barbara Walters is looking to create a “The View” spin-off with men. It will be very similar to the original View except it will include logic.

Tiger Woods’ divorce has officially been finalized. Tiger is very disappointed because now, sleeping with whores won’t be nearly as exciting.

The DEA is looking for ebonics experts to translate Atlanta drug traffickers’ wire taps. They have already extended a generous offer to Dr.Laura.

Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella retired today after a 46 year career in baseball. Piniella retired because he wanted to spend more time yelling at his family.

Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” is slated to earn $5 million this year. His abs will be earning $13 million.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will also be joining the cast of “Dancing With The Stars” next season. He will be dancing in the style of  ”Fist Pump Cha-Cha.”

Former pitcher Roger Clemens is facing two years in prison for allegedly lying to congress about steroid use. Clemens is fearful of going to prison because he has never played catcher.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has signed on to be the newest judge on American Idol. He’s promised to give positive reviews to any contestant who isn’t weirded out by his creepy face.

Spencer Pratt is writing a tell-all book about Heidi Montag. He will reveal everything about Heidi; pre-op and post-op.

Wall Street Journal reporter say,s Local strippers are totally ok with mosque near WTC. That must have been a fun interview.

BP has discovered a new oil well in the Gulf. Stay tuned for the new summer blockbuster, “BP Oil Spill: The Sequel.”

Betty White recently landed a 2-book deal. One book will be a memoir about what comedy was like in the 1800′s.

In Moscow, they are banning the sale of alcohol after 10pm. Due to the law, Russian citizens have now decided to escape from their problems while at work.

Lindsay Lohan is set to make her $1M off her first post-rehab interview. People are not impressed because this is an old strategy called “Winehousing” your career.

After 7 years, the last combat troops have finally left Iraq. Americans are happy, but it turns out one Marine forgot his cell phone so they will be sending 2 million troops to retrieve it.

Comedians in Brazil are protesting a law that bans mocking any politician before an election. In other news, George W. Bush has decided to run for president of Brazil.

A new study says that taking birth control makes you smarter. The study also found that pushing a woman down a staircase is the best way to earn her doctorate.